Jumping to Conclusions: The Stories We Tell Ourselves

By Cybill Vargas August 7, 202G

Have you ever had a situation where you thought you knew what was happening, only to find out later that you were completely wrong?

I think most of us have done this at some point.

Someone doesn't call us back, and we think, They're ignoring me.

Someone sends a short text, and we think, They must be upset with me.

We walk into a room and two people stop talking, and we immediately wonder,

Were they talking about me?

The interesting thing is that we can create an entire story in our minds without having all the information.

This is what we call jumping to conclusions, and it is considered a cognitive distortion.

I have been thinking about how often this can happen in everyday life and how much it can affect us—not just in what we think, but also in how we feel and how we behave.

We Fill in the Blanks

I think one reason jumping to conclusions is so easy is because we don't like uncertainty.

When something happens and we don't understand why, our minds want an answer.

The problem is that sometimes we create an answer before we actually have the facts.

For example, imagine that you text a friend and they don't respond. The only thing you really know is:

They haven't responded.

That's it.

But our minds can quickly add the rest of the story.

Maybe they're mad at me. 

Maybe I did something wrong.

Maybe they don't want to talk to me.

Maybe I've done something to upset them.

Before we know it, we're feeling hurt or angry about something that may not even be true.

Maybe the person is busy. 

Maybe their phone is off.

Maybe they're having a difficult day.

Maybe they simply haven't seen the message. 

There could be many explanations.

But when we jump to conclusions, we often choose one explanation and treat it like a fact.

Our Thoughts Affect How We Feel

This is the part that really interests me. 

A situation happens.

Then we have a thought about the situation. 

That thought can create a feeling.

And that feeling can influence what we do next.

For example, if I think, They're ignoring me, I may feel rejected. If I feel rejected, I might become distant.

I might stop calling.

I might respond differently the next time I see that person. I might even become angry with them.

But what if my original thought wasn't true?

Now I've allowed an assumption to affect my feelings and my behavior.

And sometimes, without realizing it, we can create a problem that didn't have to exist in the first place.

We Don't Always Know What Other People Are Thinking

I think another area where this shows up is when we assume we know what other people think about us.

We might think:

She doesn't like me. He doesn't respect me. They think I'm difficult.

My coworkers probably think I'm not doing a good job.

But how do we know? Sometimes we don't.

We are making a guess and treating it as the truth. 

That doesn't mean our feelings aren't real.

If I feel rejected, the feeling is real.

If I feel embarrassed, the feeling is real. If I feel worried, the feeling is real.

But the reason I feel that way may not be what I think it is. That is an important difference.

What If We Paused?

I have been thinking about how different things might be if we simply paused before reacting.

Instead of immediately thinking, I know why they did that, what if we asked ourselves:

What do I actually know?

That question can make us slow down.

Maybe I know that the person didn't call me back. 

But I don't know why.

Maybe I know that someone gave me a short response. But I don't know what was going on with them that day. Maybe I know that someone looked upset.

But I don't know if it had anything to do with me. There is a lot of freedom in being able to say:

“I don't know yet.”

We don't always have to immediately figure everything out.

The Story May Not Be the Truth

I think this is something we can all remind ourselves of from time to time: The story we tell ourselves about a situation isn't necessarily the truth. It is our interpretation.

Sometimes our interpretation will be accurate. Sometimes it won't.

That's why asking questions and communicating can be so important. Instead of assuming, we can ask.

Instead of reacting, we can pause.

Instead of deciding what someone meant, we can ask them.

And sometimes, we may discover that the situation was completely different from the story we created in our minds.

My Reflection

One thing I appreciate about learning more about cognitive distortions is that it reminds me how much our thoughts can influence our everyday lives.

We have thoughts all day long. Some thoughts are helpful.

Some are not.

And some thoughts happen so quickly that we don't even stop to question them. But our thoughts can influence our feelings, and our feelings can influence our behavior.

That can affect our relationships, our work, our confidence, and even how we see ourselves.

I don't think the goal is to never jump to conclusions. We're human, and our minds are constantly trying to make sense of the world around us.

Maybe the goal is simply to notice when we're doing it.

The next time you find yourself upset about something someone said or did, try asking yourself:

What do I know? What am I assuming?

Could there be another explanation?

You might find that taking a moment to pause changes the way you see the entire situation.

Sometimes we don't need more information.

Sometimes we just need to recognize that we don't have all the information yet.

And maybe that's okay.